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So I was driving home a few days ago, and I couldn't see any of the road signs. It was weird. Everything was blurry, like I'd just woken up. I couldn't focus. Then I got "Blurry" by Puddle Of Mudd stuck in my head. It's still there by the way. I keep having flashbacks to 2002-ish when every Spuffy fanvid was made to that damned song. I came home, I put on the television, I couldn't read any of the text or captions on the screen. So I got an urgent appointment with the GP, who referred me to the ophthalmologist, who scanned my eyes and such. She told me that my retina was fine, but I needed glasses. So off to the optician with me. The optician was concerned that I went from being fine to short-sighted in a week, so I've been referred for a diabetes check (but not for another 4 to 6 weeks... go figure). In the meantime, I've had to drop some £200 on glasses which is a hefty chunk of change I was not expecting to spend. And my glasses (which are due in on Saturday) make me look kinda librarian-y. Because of course, looking like an unapproachable bookworm wasn't already a problem for me.


On an entirely different note, I've taught myself how to crochet and I'm getting into amigurumi. I seem to be quite good at crocheting in the round, though I have to concentrate or I lose count of my stitches. Which brings me inadvertently to another one of those things that piss me off.

Job adverts and qualifications. Since when did you need qualifications to do anything and everything? I'm thinking that the recruitment industry and qualification boards are in cahoots. I have no idea why one needs a degree to do administrative work. I have even less of an idea as to why you have to have a degree in secretarial or business administration. But as the labour market is so flooded, employers can make all the demands they like. Time was, the only qualification necessary to be a babysitter was being a responsible adult. Now adverts are asking for applicants with childcare NVQs only. I can't quite figure out why this is happening, and why people either lack faith in an individual's ability to learn on the job or to have sufficient experience that isn't backed by some education board. I'm one of those people who learn quickly and easily. I can do pretty much anything I feel like - see above re teaching myself crochet. I taught myself all my cake decorating. After spiffarific taught me the alephbet, the rest of my Hebrew study was down to me. I learnt just enough Java to ponify my phone (Android is not too difficult to program). I am into the "I want to do this thing, someone on the internet must have information, TO THE GOOGLE!" method of living. Why won't the universe catch up? No I don't have work experience in field X, but give me half an hour and the internet and I'll be able to do it. It's not rocket science. And even rocket science - give me some time and the internet, I'll see what I can do!

Finding work is so difficult and frustrating and emotionally draining. It's like it's all one big stupid game, but nobody is ever free to say that the emperor has no clothes on. I frequently feel like that kid. I keep wanting to point at things and say "THIS IS STUPID AND MAKES NO SENSE".

Fuck it. This is stupid and makes no sense. I'm going to start saying it more often.


Trigger warning: life

Wouldn't it be great if life came with trigger warnings? Society has managed to do the major ones; sex, death, violence. People are catching up on the less common ones; rape, child abuse, suicide and so forth. But wouldn't it be great if everything was individually tailored? If you had a really rare trigger, like an irrational trauma caused by balloons, (I'm assuming that's rare - that is rare right?) and you had some way of knowing how to avoid balloon-related situations without shutting yourself away completely.

I'm in the situation where I'm having to shut myself away completely, and it's so frustrating. I can't really associate with people without being miserable. There are two things in polite society that I can't cope with. Two questions that I wish I were never asked again. Unfortunately, this will never happen, so instead I just have to avoid being around people.

Question 1: "How are you?"

How I hate that question. Please don't ask. Not just because you don't want to know, but because I don't want to think about it. My mouth will say "oh fine, fine". My brain will say "Liar. You're not fine. You're never fine. You're a screwed up sack of shit in dire inescapable pain. You're miserable. You're angry. You want to kill people. You want to kill yourself. Who do you think you're kidding? Fine she says! Ha!" and continue along that vein for a good half hour.

Question 2: "So what do you do?"

I like to answer this one with "Do? I do a lot a things. I walk. I talk. I shop. I sneeze. I'm going to be a fireman when the floods roll back. There's trees in the desert since you went away and I don't sleep on a bed of bones.". Unfortunately, this gets me looks of utter confusion. "No, I mean for work. What do you do, what's your job?"


I don't have a job. And even when I did, I still hated to say. I don't want to define myself by my economic output. Screw the system people. If you do the work you do by choice, that's great. But so many people don't. Please don't remind me that I'm trapped in a horrible situation, selling my body and/or soul to be a part of this stupid pointless rat race.

I've chosen to remove "what do you do" from my conversation question list and replace it with "what are you into". That way, I can learn about people based on what they're interested in, which is usually much more pleasant. If they're into their work, they can say so, but it's not compulsory. If only more people could do the same.

I should come up with ways to cope when people ask me questions and I don't want to think about the answer. How does one do that? In the meantime, I'll continue to avoid human interaction, in the hope that never again will someone ask me how I am or what I do.

An update

Yeah, I probably have lost it.

I saw my therapist yesterday...Collapse )

So clearly things aren't great, there's a long road ahead. But I'm getting a better grip on why I do what I do and why my internal voice says what it says and so forth. I need to build better coping strategies to try and prevent those explosions of emotion becoming unmanageable. But for now, that's all they are, and I'll ride them out. Hopefully you can be there with me.

Trigger warning: suicide

Either I"ve completely lost it, or I"m finally okay.Collapse )

Now you tell me - do I sound like I've completely lost it, or am I finally okay?


I have a lot of rage within me. It gets worse every day. I don't know how to manage it. I feel like I'm at risk of going over the edge somehow. I don't know what the best course of action is. Who do you inform? What's the procedure? Every day I get a bit angrier and I worry that I may become a danger to myself or others. It's a little more refreshing than the sadness, but I still know that it's not healthy. I need help.


Things That Bug Me

People who park badly in car parks. Not just because they make it awkward to park, but because you end up having to park badly next to them. Then they leave, and everyone thinks you're the one who parks like a dick.

Nightmares. I have no idea why, but I have really bad and vivid nightmares. Fortunately not too often, but when they do happen they destroy my day. The point of sleep is to rest and recuperate, but if I have a nightmare, the time spent "asleep" is actually incredibly agitated and stressful. I wake up feeling awful and even more tired. It's essentially eight hours wasted. And I hate wasting time.

Me. Gosh I'm so annoying. I wish I was... better. Better at being a functioning adult, or at least the way everyone else appears to be.

Genetics Fail

EastEnders is really bothering me.

Spoilers for episodes up to date, but no further...Collapse )

So yes, there's that. Looking beyond those inconsistencies, I am enjoying Danny Dyer a lot more than I thought I would.


An All Too Frequent Occurrence

*phone rings at 1am*

BRAIN: Fuck! Phone! Oh God, someone's died. It's someone calling to say someone's died. Is Grandma okay? *panic*
ME: Hello?!
GRANDMA: Hello sweetie!
HEART: *beats normally again*
GRANDMA: How are you?
ME: Oh, I'm fine - are you okay?
GRANDMA: Oh, you know, hanging in there. What are you doing?
ME: Just in bed.
GRANDMA: Bed? What time is it there?
ME: 1 AM.
GRANDMA: Oh, I keep forgetting the time difference. I'm sorry.
ME: It's okay Grandma.


She's the only person who can get away with calling at any hour. Mostly because I'm just so thankful to hear her voice that I can't stay angry that someone's rung the phone in the middle of the night.


I've had intentions to write a blog post for quite some time now. I was going to write up all those things that happened to me in 2014. Somehow January has already run away from me, and it feels silly to write an end-of-year post now. So I'll skip it.

2014 was awful. I will talk about the numerous ways in which it was awful at a later stage. It will be locked with numerous trigger warnings - let me know if you're desperate to hear about it all.

Part of what possibly made 2014 such a struggle was a lack of a venting mechanism. Which isn't to say that LJ could have prevented much of the negative, just take the edge off perhaps. So the plan is to post more this year. Yes, I know I've said this repeatedly in the past, but I mean it this time. Because last week I turned 29 and I am somewhat freaked out by this. I've been on this planet for 29 years and I have nothing to show for it. I figure that an increase in emotional stability will lead to a greater capacity for achieving... well, anything. So that's my new goal. To have achieved something by the time I'm 30. Be it a healthy weight, a steady job, my own place... you know, something.

Mind you, there is *something* which I have done and I'd like to be able to point at it and go "yay me" but right now I can't because of... things. *sigh* Damn it. I even start to try and be positive and then I remember another thing that is rubbish. Damn all the things.


I was going through my diary this evening and noticed that we are creeping into May 2014. May. This means that almost a third of the year has gone by and I have achieved NOTHING. None of my Things To Try And Do In 2014 are done yet or even close to being done yet. This gives me disappointed face.

I seek advice on motivation. Or possibly prioritisation. And on making decisions and figuring out intentions. And on decluttering.


Hypothetical Politics: Help!

Let's play a game of hypotheticals, shall we?

Angry at the ravages of the economic crisis and the increasing westernisation of their country, a wave of anti-capitalist protests sweep across Turkey. The protests are entirely constrained to central Turkey, given the imbalance of the state's financing - the regions to the south enjoy money flowing in from the oil-rich regions of the Middle East and the north west gains the same benefits from Europe, whereas central/eastern Turkey saw its already high poverty and unemployment rise when the crisis hit. Over time, the two regions grew more and more opposed to one another - the wealthier parts of Turkey favouring globalisation, western immigration, and secularisation, and the impoverished regions calling for increased protectionism, massive state intervention, and a return to its more Islamic ways. At the last election, a candidate won who was very in favour of Turkey joining the EU. The government was very western in its thinking, and ignored the increasing anger in its central and eastern regions, and this led to the protests. Following months of protests, the anti-capitalist protesters take control of Ankara. The prime minister flees along with the majority of the government. Blaming the downfall of the government on the protests, many in western Europe consider this a marxist Islamic coup.

Question: would anyone be surprised if, in this hypothetical situation, the United States sent reinforcements to their military bases in the south of Turkey?

Next hypothetical: take the story above and tweak some of the details. Invert the politics perhaps, replace Turkey with Ukraine and the US with Russia.

Question: do you see where I'm going with this?

I don't pretend to know much about the politics or history of the region, but on my initial reading of the situation I can't quite see why increased Russian activity in Crimea is surprising or even to be criticised. I'm fairly certain that any other nation would do the same in similar circumstances. If political disturbance resulted in a change of government in an independent Scotland, I'd expect rUK to reinforce its nuclear bases that remain there. I'd expect this even more if the military bases were in regions predominately populated by rUK ex-pats.

Does anyone have more information on the ongoing situation in the Ukraine that can help me understand the overwhelming condemnation of Russia? I feel like I must be missing something if I have a different opinion to almost everybody.


Okay, so I'm still three weeks behind on EastEnders. This is a huge achievement because at Christmas I was nine weeks behind - I'm catching up slowly.


Remember this post? Remember me being an angry angry Dennis fan for YEARS?

It's been eight years, but finally the truth is out! Sharon knows! YES! I have no idea what she's going to do with that information or how much more she will find out about the whole palaver but I'm just so happy that this is finally going to be dealt with.

...it is going to be dealt with right? It's not going to be a one episode thing then brushed under the carpet right? Right?*

EastEnders rambling of no interest to non-fansCollapse )

*Don't actually tell me anything, I'm spoiler-free.

On Babies And Gender

People are strange.

Maybe this goes without saying, but I've found myself struck lately by the ways in which they are bizarre. Upon hearing that someone has had a baby, the first inquiry is often "is it a boy or a girl?". Which, when you break it down, is just odd. Babies don't have gender - they've just begun their massive journey of discovery and gender identity comes way down the list after things like discovering they have toes. So it's more likely that people are doing that thing of confusing gender with sex. The thing is however that asking that question is even stranger! "You have created a new life? Wow! Tell me what type of genitalia it has!"

Yeah, people are strange.


Awards Season - Count Me Out

So this week the Golden Globes happened. And some other awards are coming up, and some nominations are out and blah blah blah blah... yeah. I don't care.

Am I the only person who doesn't care? Surely it can't just be me who sees this as incredibly boring, no? A group of people in an industry have decided that certain other people in their industry were good this year. Meanwhile, let us pontificate for HOURS over who those people will be, and when we're not doing that, let's talk about "who the celebrities will be wearing". Person A is wearing a design by Fashion House B. 99% of you won't ever be able to even dream about affording an outfit like this, let alone fit into it because let's not forget that we also need to either a) fat-shame Person A who had the audacity to gain 3 lbs or b) thin-shame Person A because OMG CLAVICLE. Then once all that drama is over it's the event itself, long and drawn out with awkward jokes and faces of people's dreams being crushed, and who knows why anyone finds it entertaining to see people having to make Don'tCry faces. The ceremony goes on forever and it's like being forced to actually read a whole Buzzfeed countdown when all you want to do is scroll to the bottom and see who's at number 1. And it's not like this is new. It's the same thing every. damn. year.

Soooo yeah. I'm not an actor. I have no interest in "celebrity". I'd like it if we could stop presuming that everyone has an interest in these things, because I for one do not.


Who's That Girl?


Why yes, I am posting an entry believe it or not. It's been over a year since I said anything, though I have been reading LJ throughout.

2013 was in all, just rubbish. Not as bad as 2010, but still not good. I'm hoping that things will be better this year and one of my intentions in order to make that happen is to blog more. I think I feel better when I blog.

Don't get too excited mind you - although I intend to blog more this year, don't expect anything very soon. The List Of Doom remains undefeated, and the subcategory titled URGENT needs my attention. In the meantime, I do remain active on Twitter (@JanvierUK).

Yesterday I turned 28 years old. What is that about? I don't feel like I'm nearly 30. I certainly don't look like I'm nearly 30. I haven't done any of the things I thought I would have done by the age of 30. More than anything else, I just feel confused. 28 is strange.

The ranting of an Eastenders obsessive...

Okay, so maybe this is a small thing that nobody else gives a damn about but catching up on New Year"s episodesCollapse )

Also, hi.

ETA: Tonight...Collapse )

Also, I love Cora.


I think the reason (and if not the reason, then certainly a large contributor to the problem) I get sad is because I carry a lot of it all on my own. I don't talk to anyone, I don't let anyone in. So it sits, and it stews, and then gets compounded by whatever the next thing to disappoint me is and before I know it, my body is like a compost heap of misery. To extend the metaphor - the only things that can grow from misery compost are depression flowers.

So let's say that I want to stop this cycle. How? Would I have to start talking to people? Cause that's terrifying. Also difficult because it relies on other people. I don't like the idea that I'd have to rely on others because experience has told me that one can't rely on others. And not just in a "other people suck" way, but in a "other people have their own shit to deal with" way. I'm a fairly strong believer in the idea that you can't depend on anyone but yourself. Thing is, sometimes oneself isn't enough. Then what?

Catching up...

Okay, so I got to skip=360 which took me back to about October 20th-ish. If there is news that you've posted before then, you'll have to let me know about it directly!

I have thoughts, but it's actually too cold to not get into bed, so they'll have to wait. This is actually the main reason why I want a tablet or laptop or something other than my desktop. I need computer access from under a duvet...

Accepting My Black Dog

For the first time in my life, I'm okay. Like, genuinely and truly okay. And that's not in the sense that my life is great, far from it. It's more that things are going wrong, but I'm not letting them get me down. And that in and of itself is such massive progress, that I'm really proud of myself. Not only that, I'm feeling positive about the future. I feel as though I may have a future.

I know, that sounds silly, but seriously. Things have been so bad over the last year that I wasn't really making plans past the next day. My daily goals were "try to brush your teeth today" because most days I wouldn't even get out of bed. But I've been up every day for the last fortnight. I've been studying (deferred Tort exam is next Tuesday), I've been clearing the List, I've done stuff. I've taken a cue from carlyinrome and got my craft on too.

I'm not over this extended bad patch, but there is light at the end of the tunnel that's finally come into view. And whereas before I'd still be fighting an internal rage over being in the tunnel for so long, this time it's not there. I'm being reasonable with myself. I can't be angry at myself for my black dog any more than I could for a broken leg. Everyone has problems they have to deal with, this is mine. It doesn't make me a worse person than anyone else, it doesn't mean I'm weak or incapable. I'm just different, as we all are. And all I can ask of myself is that I do the best I can, acknowledging all the facets of my personality, including my depression. Because that's all it is, a facet of my personality that I work with. I may have depression, but depression does not have me.

Onwards and upwards friends. Onwards and upwards.



Hey guys, I'm back. Not back as in I'm all better, nor back to bring about a fiery apocalypse of death, just... back. I finally feel like I'm in a place where I can make some progress, and I think things will get better if I talk. I'm ready to talk.

I know of course that some people don't like to hear about other people's depression and stuff because they can find it triggering - let me know if that's the case and I'll keep my ramblings locked away from you.

So, am I due a fatted calf or...?